Não vou me deixar controlar!

Carlos “Catito” e Dagmar Grzybowski
Jovens recém-casados têm medo de serem controlados e dominados pelo cônjuge. Receiam a despersonalização ou a perda de identidade. Na realidade, o que ocorre no início do casamento é uma fase de intensos ajustes que provoca desestabilização momentânea, a qual chamamos etapa de “volta à realidade”.
 
Passado o momento inicial de lua-de-mel, o casal precisa definir rotinas e acordos para a convivência. Desde micro acordos, como o lugar correto de deixar o sapato quando se chega em casa, até macro acordos, como o estilo de vida que querem desenvolver. Para cada detalhe é necessário um acordo específico. Alguns deles são simples de ser alcançados, pelo fato de os nubentes virem de estilos e formas de pensar semelhantes. Todavia, existem áreas em que as aprendizagens de cada um com as famílias de origem foram divergentes.
 
Todos nós avaliamos a realidade e desenvolvemos códigos de ética próprios a partir das vivências com nossa família de origem. É dentro dela que aprendemos o que é certo ou errado, bonito ou feio etc. Cada família tem usos e costumes únicos. Apesar disso, acreditamos que todos que têm costumes distintos dos nossos estão errados — e isso inclui nosso cônjuge.
 
Certa vez, alguém me disse a respeito do cônjuge: “Como ele não sabe que é errado bocejar sem colocar a mão na frente da boca?”. Acreditamos que o outro precisa ter a mesma percepção da realidade que nós e nos frustramos quando isso não acontece. O perigo é deixar esta frustração crescer e transformar-se em mágoa.
 
Não só nos frustramos como também tentamos impor ao outro a nossa aprendizagem, querendo transformá-lo “à nossa imagem e semelhança”. Assim, entramos em embates intermináveis com o objetivo de “convencer” o outro de que estamos certos e ele, errado. Isso gera desgaste emocional e não produz mudança alguma.
 
A alternativa é abrir-se a um diálogo fecundo, desarmado e humilde, com a convicção de que “eu percebo a realidade desta forma, mas posso estar errado”. É preciso ouvir o outro sem querer responder prontamente. Há uma impossibilidade neurológica de ouvir alguém e pensar em uma resposta simultaneamente. Quando em um diálogo começamos a refletir sobre o que vamos responder, paramos de ouvir de imediato.
 
O diálogo é útil para criarmos juntos “uma nova alternativa”, que não é necessariamente a minha, aprendida na minha família, nem a do outro, aprendida na família dele, mas algo diferente, que será a nossa forma única e exclusiva de lidar com determinada realidade.
Nos encontros de casais que ministramos,1 propomos exercícios de diálogo para desenvolver os acordos. Percebemos, então, que muitos têm dificuldade de sentar relaxadamente com o cônjuge para conversar — embora consigam falar (e muito) em grupo e expor com clareza um ponto de vista. Talvez, o impedimento seja, de fato, o receio — que citamos no início — de ser controlado pelo cônjuge.
 
Esta é a segunda etapa do ciclo do casamento. Na próxima edição veremos o que ocorre quando um cônjuge insiste em convencer o outro a “engolir sua argumentação”.
 
Nota
1. Programa de Enriquecimento Matrimonial (PEM). Para mais informações, acesse: http://www.eirene.com.br
 
Carlos “Catito” e Dagmar • são casados, ambos psicólogos e terapeutas de casais e de família. Catito é autor de Como se Livrar de um Mau Casamento e Macho e Fêmea os Criou, entre outros.
Anúncios
Esse post foi publicado em A família, Bíblia, Periódicos, Ultimato. Bookmark o link permanente.

43 respostas para Não vou me deixar controlar!

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